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Old 1st July 2008, 10:31 AM   #1
walterb
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Lightbulb From Transylania

A vampire bat returned to its lair with its face covered in blood which was also dripping from its mouth. The other vampires looked on with envy and begged to be shown the source of all the blood
The bat agreed to show them and flew off into the forest with them all in pursuit. Suddenly he stopped and said
"see that oak tree over there"
"Yes! yes!" they cried in eager anticipation.
"Well I didn't." he said
 
Old 1st July 2008, 12:32 PM   #2
David W
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Lightbulb Re: Keep on running!

Did you hear who won the Bangkok marathon? -I heard it was a Thai!
David W
 
Old 1st July 2008, 08:32 PM   #3
mjh
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Lightbulb Two wolved

Two wolves.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.
He said, ' My son, the battle is between two ' wolves ' inside us all.

One is Evil. - It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. - It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. '

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: ' Which wolf wins? '

The old Cherokee simply replied, ' The one you feed. '





mjh
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Old 2nd July 2008, 10:51 AM   #4
RichardS
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Lightbulb Already Amongst Us?

With Firefox 3, type about:robots into the URL bar.

So that's why we add "robots" meta-tags to our web pages.

Richard
 
Old 5th July 2008, 10:22 PM   #5
Mike Koewler
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Lightbulb Military discipline for dirty magazines

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Mike
 
Old 5th July 2008, 10:23 PM   #6
Mike Koewler
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Lightbulb Don't tell lies

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his un-usual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over two hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over two hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and slapped him again, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up from the floor, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched an R-rated movie." "I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Mike
 
Old 6th July 2008, 12:19 AM   #7
RichardS
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Lightbulb Re:*Don't tell lies

... and to think that they say that there's too much violence in the world.

Richard
 
Old 8th July 2008, 01:36 AM   #8
Jim B.
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Lightbulb Look Out!!!!!!!!!!

Look behind you! http://icanhascheezburger.files.word...-behind-me.jpg

Jim B. :> )

My newly-designed time travel machine can take you one week into the future in only 7 days!!! It might LOOK like an ordinary (and small) cardboard box, but after you get in it and I tape it closed, then when you get out 7 days later, you will discover that a full week has passed! Sorry, time travel limited to future days only; no reverse travel.
 
Old 8th July 2008, 09:27 AM   #9
Mick G
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Lightbulb Re:*Look Out!!!!!!!!!!

I made a prototype time machine next month. I hope to go into full production last year.
 
Old 8th July 2008, 11:17 AM   #10
Jack Jacobs
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Lightbulb Re:*Look Out!!!!!!!!!!

On:08/07/2008 08:27:21 - Mick G wrote:
Quote:
I made a prototype time machine next month. I hope to go into full production last year
Are you tense about the result?
.
Jack J
 
Old 8th July 2008, 07:54 PM   #11
Jim B.
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Lightbulb This Is Annoying!

I just got a "cold call" wanting my business to join an organization.

"From who and what organization" you ask?

Thanks for asking!

The call came from and was to try to get me to join... the Better Business Bureau.

Jim B. :> )

My newly-designed time travel machine can take you one week into the future in only 7 days!!! It might LOOK like an ordinary (and small) cardboard box, but after you get in it and I tape it closed, then when you get out 7 days later, you will discover that a full week has passed! Sorry, time travel limited to future days only; no reverse travel.
 
Old 8th July 2008, 08:27 PM   #12
RichardS
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Lightbulb Re:*This Is Annoying!

On:08/07/2008 18:54:46 - Jim B. wrote:
Quote:
The call came from and was to try to get me to join... the Better Business Bureau.
Yes, "officials" are often poor at following their own rules.

I often get "spam" from the UK government's tourist officials, demanding statistics, then following up with increasingly aggressive "reminders."

Usually, these emails have no clear contact details; they never contain a working method of "unsubscribing."

Richard
 
Old 8th July 2008, 09:05 PM   #13
RichardS
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Lightbulb Just failed a rubbish interview :(

A young woman called at the back door - somewhat lost - to discuss the next twist in our increasingly complicated refuse disposal service.

So far, we have:

- Black wheelie bins - collected on alternate weeks;

- Black wheelie bins with green lids - for some recycling: Not glass, not wood, little cardboard, not cloth, not leather, not plastic (even if it has the recycling symbol) except clean milk cartons...

- Green polypropylene bags for garden refuse - but not soil or wood...

- Cardboard sacks - an earlier version of the green bags

- White plastic sacks - another earlier version of the green bags

- Orange plastic sacks - an earlier version of the black bins with the green lids and still used by many

Now, we're to get a new three-part system of small brown container, large brown container and liners made from starch: For containing food waste.

None of these containers can accept "mixed waste" for example, recyclable containers "contaminated" with food waste must not be put either with the recycling or with the food waste.

Don't even think about washing anything, because we have also to save water!

Don't put your bins out the night before, or leave them out after being emptied - those are "environmental crimes" with severe penalties.

Don't put refuse in the wrong container - another "environmental crime."

Don't put out too much refuse - another "environmental crime."

I've probably forgotten something, but then I did fail that rubbish interview.

Richard
 
Old 9th July 2008, 08:54 PM   #14
Bill (the Irish one)
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Lightbulb Irish or English Setters

Bloke advertised in paper that he had six English Setter puppies for sale. A fortnight or so later he advertised six Irish Setter puppies for sale. When asked if he had two litters he replied, "No, same pups but in the two weeks their eyes were opened!"

ps substitute Irish & English for any competing cultures etc.
 
Old 10th July 2008, 05:30 PM   #15
David W
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Lightbulb Re: Never Mind dogs, how about a Giraffe?

A man walks into a bar with a 10ft giraffe. The two of them proceed to order drink after drink and after an hour, the pair are riotously drunk. At this point, the giraffe stands up, totters for a moment and then keels over.

His companion looks at him, gets up, pays the barmaid and starts walking out of the bar.

The outraged barmaid shouts after him: "Hey, mister, you can't leave that lyin' here!" The man staggers a little and replies: "Excuse me, miss," he slurs, "that's a giraffe, not a lion."
UGH!
David W
 
Old 11th July 2008, 10:10 AM   #16
max
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Lightbulb They always have an answer!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

---------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


------------

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

M
 
Old 12th July 2008, 11:55 PM   #17
RichardS
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Lightbulb Being Watched?

Ever get the feeling that you're being watched?

No?

Then look here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J7qE6frzz8&fmt=18 and also here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3G_da...eature=related.

Richard
 
Old 13th July 2008, 10:03 AM   #18
P Randall
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Lightbulb Re:*Being Watched?

On:12/07/2008 22:55:12 - RichardS wrote:
Quote:
Ever get the feeling that you're being watched?
I get the feeling that my computer activity is being monitored] http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/[/url]

Paul
 
Old 13th July 2008, 01:32 PM   #19
Eric
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Lightbulb Re:*Just failed a rubbish interview :(

On:7/8/2008 8:05:20 PM - RichardS wrote:
Quote:
to discuss the next twist in our increasingly complicated refuse disposal service.
There's a story that has reached our far corner of the globe about an elderly lady in Britain who didn't have her rubbish collected for months because she put a tea bag in the wrong container. We didn't believe it but after reading your post perhaps it was true.

Still I suppose the UK is running out of space to bury rubbish anyway, so something has to be done.

Eric
 
Old 13th July 2008, 01:45 PM   #20
RichardS
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Lightbulb Re:*Just failed a rubbish interview :(

On:13/07/2008 12:32:25 - Eric wrote:
Quote:
Still I suppose the UK is running out of space to bury rubbish anyway, so something has to be done.
Yes, we seem short of everything - even shorts.

Richard
 
 

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